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Fragments of a Formerly Active Sex Life



Dog Viagra
by Julian X  /  scripts  /  11 Jul 2007

EXT. UPSCALE SUBURBAN YARD

 

A MAN playing with his GIRLFRIEND in his yard with his dog, which is of a healthy, classic breed – perhaps a German Shepherd or a Golden Retriever.  She too has a dog, but it's a girl.

 

MAN

I love how our dogs get along together.

 

GIRLFRIEND

She really seems to like him.  There's only one problem.

 

MAN

You mean?

 

The bitch turns her ass to his dog, but he only gives the camera a quizzical look.

 

GIRLFRIEND

Is your dog … feeling a little limp lately?

 

MAN

I guess.

 

GIRLFRIEND

You know, a dog is an extension of your virility.  And no woman wants a dog with… performance problems.

 

The dog continues to look confused and uncomfortable in the wake of the bitch's advances, while his owner holds his face in his hands, embarrassed.

 

GIRLFRIEND

But now you don't have to accept it, thanks to Dog Viagra.

 

MAN

Viagra, like what I take?

 

GIRLFRIEND

(feeling his muscles)

That's right.  You've gotten into shape, eating healthy, and our sex is great… isn't it time your dog felt a little spring in his step?

 

MAN

And Dog Viagra can help?

 

GIRLFRIEND

That's right.  In fact, Dog Viagra is the only drug guaranteed to increase that certain part of the canine anatomy.  Ask your veterinarian if Dog Viagra is right for your "best friend."

 

 

MONTAGE:  IMAGES OF DOGS RUNNING, LOOKING HEALTHY

 

VOICE-OVER

Dogs taking heart medication should not take Dog Viagra.  If your dog has an erection for longer than four hours, contact a veterinarian immediately.  Only your veterinarian can tell you if Dog Viagra is right for your dog.

 

 

EXT. UPSCALE SUBURBAN YARD – LATER

 

The same couple and the same two dogs are present, but the man's dog is now humping the woman's bitch.

 

GIRLFRIEND

Boy, Rover's really going at it.

(giving him the look)

How 'bout we give Big Rover a turn.

 

The couple go into the house together.

 

VOICE-OVER

Dog Viagra:  is your lifestyle complete without it?

 

The Dog Viagra logo appears on screen as the commercial ends.

 

 

INSERT:  NEWS BROADCAST

 

A sexy female reporter at her desk.

 

BROADCASTER

Since its debut just a few months ago, Dog Viagra has already seen sales in excess of $300 million, but it's got some people asking:  has the drug industry gone too far?  A recent deluge of newspaper cartoons have featured Snoopy and other beloved canine characters under the influence of Dog Viagra.

 

As the broadcaster continues, some such cartoons are shown on the screen, including a crazed, drugged-out Snoopy humping Linus's leg.  Another shows Lassie humping Billy when he falls down a well while Billy cries out that Lassie should go get help.

 

BROADCASTER

(continued)

One had Lassie attacking Billy's leg instead of going for help.  One even featured the Presidential pooches staining a little black dress and getting impeached.  I liked that one.  Anyway, with us here now is media commentator Vernon Siegel and conservative commentator Ron Stavely.

 

The screen splits to show Vernon and Ron along with the broadcaster.

 

BROADCASTER

(continued)

Vernon, Dog Viagra has been promoted with a major media blitz.  Do you think this has just gone too far?

 

VERNON

Well, look, we've been running ads for Viagra, generic Viagra, female Viagra, and all sorts of sex drugs for years, and no one's objected.  In fact, an estimated 90% of American men now take some drug to stimulate their sex drive – and about 35% of women too, and that number's growing, by the way.  So I don't see what the big deal is.

 

RON

And a lot of us have been objecting to these kinds of pornographic drugs all along!  It's gotten so out of control that we're feeding them to our dogs!  I mean, if the good Lord wanted us to go around with erections all the time, I think he could have taken care of it himself.

 

VERNON

Have you ever seen dogs?  God made them very healthy is the sex department.  They just mount each other and go.  Now, if my dog or your dog is lacking that major part of his life, I don't see anything wrong with putting a Viagra in some cream cheese, or whatever, and feeding it to him.

 

RON

This society is just out of control.  We spend millions on this stuff, and our women are dressing as whores!  All I'm saying is, if there's one society that doesn't need more sex, it's American society.  I got my daughters on their third marriages, and they're still dressing in those tight skirts that barely cover anything, and now their dogs are humping everything in sight!

 

BROADCASTER

That's right, Ron.  In fact, there's already been a number of Dog Viagra lawsuits brought by people whose dogs have been impregnated by these Viagra-crazed dogs.  In one case, the dog broke out of the house he was so… aroused.  All the animal protection agencies are against this and say it's going to cause this big boom in the dog population.

 

VERNON

Well, I'm not saying that's good or bad.  People have to watch out for their dogs, and if dogs are so horny that they're breaking out of houses and raping other dogs…

 

RON

You say that like it's unusual!  These dogs go around raping all the time!  It's normal for them!

 

VERNON

It's normal for most animals.  But look--

 

BROADCASTER

Are you defending rape?

 

VERNON

No, I'm not.  But you've got to understand… look, this is about the American lifestyle.  We've got girls getting plastic surgeries at sixteen, sweet sixteen parties that cost millions of dollars, people buying cars and clothes and cologne and houses and all sorts of things to express their success.  These drugs are just the newest part of it.

 

BROADCASTER

But come on.  I mean, do dogs really need this?

 

VERNON

No, they don't.  But none of us need this.  Look, the average dog in the U.S. eats more meat than the average person in Latin America.  Our dogs have always been an expression of our personalities, our lifestyles.

 

RON

Watch the Communist cite Latin America.

 

VERNON

Look, I'm not judging it.  Do I think all this lifestyle stuff is good for us or for the Earth?  No.  But it's here and it's not going away, and if you want to watch your dog get it on, have at it.  I say, bring it on!

 

 

INT. UPSCALE SUBURBAN HOUSE

 

A couple sit lounging on a couch, talking over and petting their large dog.

 

WIFE

Have you noticed that Rover's not after the neighbor's bitch anymore?

 

HUSBAND

I know.  I just don't know what to do about it.

 

WIFE

Have you thought about Dog Viagra?

 

HUSBAND

I have, but have you seen the studies?  A lot of doctors are saying it might not be good for some dogs.  I don't want to put that stuff into Rover.

 

WIFE

Have you heard about the new organic alternative, DoggieGrow?

 

HUSBAND

DoggieGrow?  What's that?

 

WIFE

DoggieGrow is an all-natural alternative to Dog Viagra and all the prescription generics.  It uses a blend of organic herbs and vitamins to stimulate you're dog's… intimate moments.

 

HUSBAND

Really?  DoggieGrow?

 

WIFE

(holding up product)

And you don't even have to get a prescription.

 

HUSBAND

Wow, and it even comes in liver flavor.

 

A logo comes up for DoggieGrow as the commercial ends.

 

 

INT. HIGH-RISE CONDO

 

A couple sits on expensive furniture while their cats walk around.  A female cat sticks its ass into the air towards a male cat and hisses violently.  The male cat doesn't respond.

 

FEMALE CAT OWNER

Poor Wilbur.  He's just not getting any blood flowing down there, is he?

(to male cat)

You're really missing out, Wilbur.  She's in heat.

 

MALE CAT OWNER

If he was a dog, we could get him that Dog Viagra.  But a poor cat's out of luck.

 

FEMALE CAT OWNER

Haven't you heard?  Now there's Viagra for Pussy Cats!

 

MALE CAT OWNER

And it can help poor Wilbur there?

 

FEMALE CAT OWNER

That's right.  Just like Dog Viagra, Viagra for Pussy Cats stimulates blood flow to a cat's male member.

 

MALE CAT OWNER

That's great.  I'll call the veterinarian.

 

FEMALE CAT OWNER

(to camera)

Cats are so sensual, the way they purr, the way they brush up against the couch.  It's a shame to see a pussy cat not be a pussy cat.  Now with Viagra for Pussy Cats, you can make your tomcats get those pussies.

 

MALE CAT OWNER

(to camera)

Because isn't your cat a member of your family too?

 

VOICE-OVER

Cats with weak hearts should not take Viagra for Pussy Cats.  If your cat has an erection for longer than four hours, contact a veterinarian immediately.  Only your veterinarian can tell you if Viagra for Pussy Cats is right for your cat.

 

 

EXT. MAJOR CITY STREET – NIGHT

 

It's dark and dirty out.  A black DRUG-DEALER in a trenchcoat is covertly selling drugs to passers-by.  A young, rich, white CUSTOMER in a sports car pulls up and opens the window.

 

CUSTOMER

Hey, what'd you got?

 

DRUG DEALER

Yo, I got speed, heroin, cocaine, rock, whatever you like.

 

CUSTOMER

You got prescription shit?

 

DRUG DEALER

Yeah, I got methadone, pain killers.  What you want?

 

CUSTOMER

You got Dog Viagra?

 

DRUG DEALER

Already crushed, man.

 

CUSTOMER

Crushed?

 

DRUG DEALER

Gets into your bloodstream faster.

 

CUSTOMER

Enough people buy Dog Viagra that you sell it crushed?

 

DRUG DEALER

Shit, you know how much of this shit I move?  It's the new X.

 

CUSTOMER

Okay, gimme some of that.

 

The two complete the transaction and the car speeds away.

 

DRUG DEALER

Crazy fuckin' white guys.

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Screenplays by Julian Darius:
Adventures in Celebrity Biography
Transgression
Dog Viagra
The Meaning of Life (part 1 of 2)
The Meaning of Life (part 2 of 2)
Corrupt (part 1 of 2)
Corrupt (part 2 of 2)
Ninjapug, Chapter 1:  "The Deadly Start of the Great Warrior Pugs!"
Ninjapug, Chapter 2:  "The Sad Reconnaissance of the Other!"