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Adventures in Celebrity Biography
by Julian X  /  scripts  /  1 Jul 2007

INT. BANK TELLER'S STATION

 

The young, attractive, and Asian female teller (shades of Sung Yu Previn) hands her current customer some money.  There's a short line of other customers waiting at her station.  First of these is Woody Allen looking very stereotypical, with big, awkward glasses and a trenchcoat.  He has to be a good actor a lot of this is in the delivery.  At least two other customers are behind him (two have speaking roles).  The second of these has a large mustache.

 

Teller

(counting the money she's handing the customer)

That's five, ten, fifteen, and twenty.  Thanks, please come again.

 

The customer walks off.  Woody Allen approaches the teller.  He's clearly holding a gun in his trenchcoat pocket.

 

Woody

(gesturing as normal)

You see this bulge in my pocket?  God, I, uh... I don't mean my penis.  Not that you aren't, you know, very attractive, it's just... this is a stick-up.  I have an exceedingly large gun in my pocket and I'm not afraid to, you know, wave it around and intimidate you with it.  I don't want to say "shoot you" because, well, you're a very beautiful woman and I'm not that kind of guy, although maybe I should be.  But just trust me, it's a very large gun.  Very large.  It could blow your head off.  Render your face into a... a very fine mist.  Not that I'd do that, mind you just, you know, I'm trying to intimidate you but I keep wanting to date you instead.  You remind me so much of my mother.

 

Cue Adventures in Celebrity Biography logo and sound clip (I imagine trumpets).

 

Announcer

(voice-over; very Don Pardo)

Welcome to Adventures in Celebrity Biography!  Tonight's episode...

 

Episode title on screen:  "Woody Allen, Gangster!" with "Gangster!" written in cursive, with the effect being like the title of a pulp novel.

 

Announcer

(voice-over)

..."Woody Allen, Gangster!"

 

 

INT. NIGHTCLUB FLASHBACK

 

Flashback sequence begins.  A young Woody Allen, a nice Jewish boy, in the audience at a nightclub where a male Jewish teenager is delivering his set as a comedian.

 

Announcer

(voice-over)

When Woody Allen was a child, he had two mentors:  an older boy, who was a comedian...

 

 

EXT.  URBAN STREET FLASHBACK

 

The same young Woody Allen, now hanging out on a dirty street with another Jewish teenager, who's smoking and wearing a leather jacket.

 

Announcer

(voice-over)

... and another older boy, who was a street tough.

 

 

CU:  STREET TOUGH, SMOKING IN SLOW MOTION FLASHBACK

 

The camera pans down to young Woody Allen, looking up with admiration.

 

Announcer

(voice-over)

That street tough was tragically killed in a robbery while Woody Allen was still a boy...

 

 

INT. SAME NIGHTCLUB FLASHBACK

 

Woody Allen, now a little older, is on stage awkwardly delivering a joke.  The young Jewish comedian is sitting in the audience, giving Woody the thumbs up in encouragement in an exaggerated gesture.

 

Announcer

(voice-over)

...and the rest is history.  This is the show that dares to ask...

 

 

INT. BANK TELLER'S STATION PRESENT

 

Back to the scene with which we began this skit.

 

Announcer

(voice-over)

..."what if that street tough had lived and Woody Allen had become a gangster?!?"

 

Teller

I'm sorry.  Um... would you like to make a withdrawal?

 

Woody

Listen to this.  Am I making a withdrawal?  What am I, some short Jewish guy who should have been a comedian?  I'm holding a gun in this pocket, and you, you know, you're the victim.  You're supposed to, you know, give me all the money in the drawer.  I'm a scary guy here.  You don't want to, uh, piss me off.  You never know, I might be some crazy who's going to date you and then, you know, have sex with all your friends.

 

Teller

Are you hitting on me?

 

Woody

Am I hitting on you?  Am I hitting on you?  What, you think every dashingly handsome man who approaches you holding a bulge in his pocket is hitting on you?

 

Teller

This is weird.

 

Woody

Weird?  Look, it's not an, uh, existential quandary.  There's no need to consult your Sartre.  This is a robbery, I have a gun, and, uh, I'd really appreciate it if you'd put all the money in some sort of, you know, bag and just sort of, you know, hand it over.

 

Teller

(looking below her desk)

What sort of bag?

 

Woody

Burlap.  I mean, if you have any Prada back there, I'll take it, but... just not plastic, please.  I can't stand the stuff.  It's so... tactile.  It reminds me of my mother.  It's probably because I wasn't breast-fed enough.  It's that whole plastic nipple on the formula bottle.  I don't need to recall that.

 

Teller

My mother was Hindu.

 

Woody

Oh, well... I guess beef wasn't a big part of your diet as a baby then.  Are you, you know...?

 

Teller

A lesbian?

 

Woody

Yes, I'm asking if you're a lesbian because lesbians are well known for not eating cows.

 

Teller

Not eating meat.

 

Woody

Oh, well... well... you like, uh... eating meat?

 

Teller

I love it.  Maybe it's because my mom's a Hindu.  I love to just roll that meat along my tongue.

 

Woody

That's, uh... very descriptive of you.  Me, when I want to get back at my mother, I just, you know, put my drink on the table without a coaster or something.  But you...

 

Teller

I just take a stranger home and have oral sex all night.

 

Woody

Well, that would... that would be another way.

 

The customer behind Woody is getting anxious and interjects.

 

Other Customer

Can we move it along here?

 

Woody

Can we... ?  I'm doing well with a beautiful woman who likes to have oral sex with strangers.  Believe me, I'm trying to move it along...

 

Other Customer

I don't have all day, so if you two are going to have sex, could I just deposit this check into my account before you commandeer the counter for your sexual escapades?

 

Woody

I'm not... actually, we were just talking about oral sex, but...

(to teller)

...if you're into it...

 

Teller

We can't have sex on the counter.  I'd lose my job.

 

Woody

But having oral sex with the stick-up man you gave the money to... that your boss would love.

 

Teller

You're so funny.  You're so, I don't know... you're manly with that gun there.  You could kill me at any time.  But you're so sensitive.

 

Woody

You really know how to talk to a guy.  Believe me, the gang waiting in the getaway car is not going to believe this.

 

Other Customer

Oh, I'm sorry.  Am I interrupting your illicit sexual encounter?  Can we get a move on?

 

Woody

Actually, you're interrupting a robbery I'm trying to turn into an illicit sexual encounter.

 

The customer behind the protesting customer now seems nervous.  This second customer has a large mustache.

 

Second Customer

Is there a problem up there?  I need to make a withdrawal.

 

Woody

What are you, an extra from an Ingmar Bergman movie with that mustache?  Don't you realize you're a ridiculous character?

 

Second Customer

I'm not the one who's so horny that I can't even rob a bank.

 

Woody

(to the teller)

Would you... would you listen to him?

 

Teller

I love Bergman.

 

Woody

8 or Seventh Seal?

 

Teller

8, of course.  Not that Seventh Seal isn't great, but... it's so morbid, you know?

 

Woody

(sarcastic)

Yeah.  Not enough outer space rockets.

 

Teller

That's funny.  Listen, I should probably give you your money.

 

Woody

There's nothing like an Ingmar Bergman extra to ruin your fun when you're trying to seduce a beautiful young woman with a gun in your pocket.

 

Second Customer

(grabbing his crotch)

I got your gun in your pocket right here.

 

Woody

(to teller)

Some people just have no appreciation for art.

 

Teller

(gathering up the cash)

Tell me about it.  Tens and twenties okay?

 

Other Customer

Can we wrap this up, please?  This is New York, people.  You gonna shoot everyone, shoot everyone.  Otherwise, I have people to see.

 

Woody

Can you believe this guy?  I've got Dirty Harry and some Ingmar Bergman extra behind me.  They're going to get together to drive a flaming car into a bordello.

 

Teller

(handing over a sack of cash)

I put all the money in the sack.  And I wrote my phone number on the bearer bonds.

 

Woody

Great.  We can get together to talk about Ingmar Bergman and, you know, have oral sex all night to disgrace our mothers.

 

Teller

I have to push the silent alarm now or I'll lose my job.

 

Woody

All the girls say that.

 

Other Customer

You got the cash, alright?  Now let's move it.

 

Woody

If I didn't have a gun, I'd be wetting my pants right now.  Really, I need this thing just to keep from soiling myself.

 

Second Customer

Or to talk to a woman.

 

Woody

It doesn't hurt.

(to teller)

I'll bring it tonight.

 

Teller

I just hit the silent alarm.  Call me.

 

Woody

Don't worry.  I won't be able to get the thought of a night of oral sex and Bergman movies out of my mind.

 

Woody exits.

 

Other Customer

Can I deposit this check before the cops get here?

 

Second Customer

You have oral sex with everyone or just Jewish guys with guns?

 

Teller

Just Jewish guys with guns.  Sorry.

 

Second Customer

That happen a lot?

 

Teller

Oh, he comes in here two or three times a week.

 

Announcer

(voice-over)

Such are the twists of fate that rule our lives.  The world loses a great filmmaker, but gains a bank robber with real panache.  Who is to say which is better?  Some, it seems, are just destined for greatness.

 

Cue Adventures in Celebrity Biography logo and sound clip.

 

Announcer

(voice-over)

This concludes tonight's episode of Adventures in Celebrity Biography.  And now, a preview of next week's episode, "Quentin Tarantino, Proctologist."

 

 

INT. PROCTOLOGIST'S OFFICE

 

"Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon" from Pulp Fiction plays as we pan over to see a man in the foreground, bent over in a hospital gown in front of a Quentin Tarantino, here a crazed-looking doctor.

 

 

CU:  TARANTINO'S FACE

 

As he kneels and holds a tiny doctor's flashlight.  Implicitly, he is examining someone's rectum, but he really seems to be straining.  There's a popping sound.

 

Tarantino

What the hell is this?  Is there some sign on your ass saying "dead gerbil storage?"  'Cause I really didn't see a sign on this ass saying "dead gerbil storage."

 

Tarantino slaps the camera and we hear the sound of a naked ass being slapped.

 

 

INT. PROCTOLOGIST'S OFFICE LATER

 

Tarantino is dressed in the yellow suit from Kill Bill and is talking to a patient.  A metal doctor's stand on wheels, with a miniature camera on a cable sitting on top of it, is next to Tarantino.

 

Tarantino

Have you ever had a colonoscopy before?

 

The patient shakes his head.

 

Tarantino

What I'm going to do is take a little camera and shove it up you ass.  It's going to hurt like hell, but you're going to be okay.

 

The patient nods.

 

Patient

Is that the camera over there?

 

 

CU:  DOCTOR'S STAND

 

Focus on the miniature camera on top.

 

 

INT. PROCTOLOGIST'S OFFICE CONTINUOUS

 

Tarantino

Yeah, let me get it.

 

 

CU:  DOCTOR'S STAND

 

Focus on the miniature camera on top.  Tarantino moves into the shot but, instead of going for the miniature camera on top, roots below.

 

 

INT. PROCTOLOGIST'S OFFICE CONTINUOUS

 

Tarantino pulls a full-size video camera from the inside of the doctor's stand.  The patient looks horrified.  Tarantino looks over at the stand and sees that the patient was looking at the tiny camera on top.

 

Tarantino

You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?

 

 

CU:  PATIENT'S FACE

 

Sly, exactly like the Bride in Kill Bill.

 

Patient

Yeah.  For a moment, I actually did.

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Screenplays by Julian Darius:
Adventures in Celebrity Biography
Transgression
Dog Viagra
The Meaning of Life (part 1 of 2)
The Meaning of Life (part 2 of 2)
Corrupt (part 1 of 2)
Corrupt (part 2 of 2)
Ninjapug, Chapter 1:  "The Deadly Start of the Great Warrior Pugs!"
Ninjapug, Chapter 2:  "The Sad Reconnaissance of the Other!"