But in Her Heart Suspects / And How Much He’d Like
by Julian X  /  poetry  /  25 Aug 2007
§ Ask her and she’s happy, but in her heart suspects
he really wants the thin, blonde, tall, big-boob type.
§ “Do you think I’m sexy?” she asks him, but what she means
is “do you want the thin, blonde, tall, big-boob type?”
§ “I fuck you, don’t I?” he thinks, as if the erection itself
answered her question, but he knows it’s not a rational one
or at least not the irrational one she’s asking, and so
he tells her “of course” and adds some pet names
to the end to cement the reassurance – but what he fears
is that by “sexy” she means a 10, but he’d prefer to think of it
as “somewhere between a 6 and a 10 most of the time,
and enough to get it up at any rate,” which lets him answer
calmly enough. § But she’s not done, and asks
“Do you think she’s sexy?” while pointing at some woman
in the street or in some magazine or in some movie,
and again she’s already reinterpreted the question to mean
“Do you really want the thin, blonde, tall, big-boob type?”
§ He looks, but knows he can’t appraise too long,
lest she assume a “yes,” and responds “she’s okay” –
a careful answer, realistic enough to show desire
but not enthusiastic enough to threaten her sense
of security, but if he took the question seriously
(if a man had asked it) he would point out how sexy
her thin, blonde, tall, big-boob body was.
§ At this point, she either (1) throws her arms around him
as if he’s passed some desperately important but routine
test, saying “I love you so much” or somesuch as she does,
or (2) looks away with depressed disinterest, as if she doesn’t
believe him anyway, as if no amount of passing such tests
would satisfy her. § And he, having not been doing so,
now breathes easy that the test is done and thinks
of the thin, blonde, tall, big-boob type and how much
he’d like to fuck one once in a while, or a new one
every few days, even though he’s no intention of leaving
this insecure non-thin, or non-blonde, or non-tall, or smaller-
boobed girl before him. § And so they both suffer.
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